Doomsday checklist

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Editorial: Dec. 20, 2012

ISSUE: Prepping for the end
OUR VIEW: Only reasonable response is humor

It’s our last day on Earth, at least Earth as we know it. On Friday — the conclusion of the 5,125-year Mayan “long count” calendar — global catastrophe is expected to strike.

While some lunatics are busy testing the power supplies to their arks or shaking feather dusters at their rows of canned succotash, even crazier people are camped out in Bugarach, France, waiting for aliens in a mountain to save them. Bunkers have been built and there are reports of candle and vodka shortages in Russia.

If you haven’t started digging or building a grocery store in your basement, fear not. There’s still time to take care of everything you need to survive Friday’s catastrophe. After all, if Y2K taught us anything, it’s that every perceived crisis requires a response bordering on panic.

Above all else, this preparedness list is a test of your humor.

First off, empty your bucket list and fill that bucket with clean water.

Looking ahead, staying connected will be as important as it ever has been in the post-apocalyptic world. What’s anyone standing after the dust settles going to do first? Go for their phone. Charge it up tonight.

Speaking of personal electronics, you might load up a Facebook status shuffle. Something like Steve Buscemi’s line from “Armageddon”: “Guess what guys, it’s time to embrace the horror” will work.

Everything needs a soundtrack, so set your apocalypse playlist, too. Depending on your tastes, you’ll find plenty of tunes, from “It’s the End of the World As We Know It,” by R.E.M. to Johnny Cash’s “When the Man Comes Around.”

Still, don’t leave any lights on. Even in the end, we bet, you’re getting an energy bill.

Beat the looters and finish your Christmas shopping today. SPAM for everyone on your list.

As a tutorial, watch some of end of the world movies and top it off with “The Walking Dead” and “Doomsday Preppers.” Movies and television have given us some great ideas. For example, if you make it through the catastrophe, survival certainly will depend on your ability to hotwire cars and siphon gas.

And, of course, with your mother’s voice ringing in your ears, put on some clean underpants.

This editorial represents a consensus of The News-Enterprise's editorial board.