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I’m thinking about starting a support group for clothes: Socks Without Partners.
You see, our household is not unlike many others where socks somehow magically lose their partners. I heard a theory once that every now and then, one sock explodes in the dryer to make lint.
I’m not buying it.
I think the missing sock was a heel and it just got cold feet, running off and leaving his or her partner alone to take care of their family of little footies.
Socks Without Partners would consist of a nurturing atmosphere in a pre-designated drawer where lone socks can mix and mingle until they find a match.
Another support group I’d start would be for T-shirts that have stretched out to what can only be described as a shapeless mass. I’d call the group Fit to a T.
This support group would consist of a collection of similarly shape-challenged shirts that want to make lifestyle changes, specifically to improve their appearance. Sure, it might be somewhat superficial, but let’s face it: the beautiful T-shirts get all the attention.
Don’t even get me started on buttons.
For some reason, I’m 10 times as likely to lose a button from the cuff of my shirt as I am from the shirt front. And more often than not, it just vanishes.
That support group for shirts missing buttons would be called Sew What. Members would ponder the existential implications of losing parts of themselves.
And there would have to be a support group for jeans that collect lint in the front pockets called Lint Hoarders Anonymous. For some reason, this happens a lot and it’s not just a BB-sized piece of lint; it’s often the size of a computer mouse.
I know I don’t leave anything in the pockets, so just how does that happen?
Maybe jean pockets are the final refuge of socks scrambling for safety just before they explode in the dryer to make lint.
While I’m at it, I would have to start a few support groups for food, too.
Specifically, I’d start Chip Chips United. It would be a support group for all those chip remnants at the bottom of your chip bags, you know: chip chips.
The support group would seek to unify chip chips so they can create a single mega-chip that can be easily consumed and enjoyed, as nature intended. As it stands, eating chip chips by licking them off a plate or sliding them directly into my mouth from the bag is not a pretty sight.
But I’ll do it. Oh, yes, I will.
Same goes for cereal dust. You know the stuff: the powdery collection of cereal residue that awaits you at the bottom of the bag.
That support group would be called Cereal Killers Re-Imagined and would focus on shedding the unjust image the poor residue has of being unappetizing.
A support group also should exist for unpopped kernels left in microwave popcorn bags. It’s a pretty big number, drawing from my own experience. And those leftover kernels just get pitched, never getting their moments to shine.
The support group’s main aim would be to unite to meet their ultimate destiny of being popped. It could be called Kernels for a Cause.
There are many more support groups I could start, but you get the point. So many senseless discardings of clothes or food take place every day.
It is time to heal the wounds and shame.
It is time to give single socks a voice.
Robert Villanueva can be reached at 270-505-1743 or email@example.com.